Hello everyone! I know I’ve been gone for a while, and I know it’s not like I have this huge following that waits for my post notifications. However, it’s just a sense of pride thing. I feel like I’ve let myself down by not keeping this up. Not only have I been busy with school/work, but I also just have so much on my mind that I want to write about. I just don’t know where to start. So here I am starting…
I wanted to be fully immersed in my “feels” while I write this, because this blog post is very important to me. The journal types (the ones you guys probably don’t care much about) are the ones that show my progress. When I read these months later, I feel like life is constantly changing for the best. I’m present time, life feels so stagnant. It feels like I’m stuck in the same place; the same routine. But in an outer-view perspective I feel content with how much changes in shorts amount of time- even though change will probably be the death of me.
Right now I’m typing this as I’m parked in the same general area of a place where my emotions are heightened. Parking here brings back memories that put me in such a vulnerable place. My body screams for me to relive the moment and feel sorry for my lost/pain, but right now I’m releasing those stressful emotions in writing. Like I said, these posts have always been for just me.
A lot has changed since when I was first here. I’ve come back here multiple times and the memories are still bright and fully focused in my memory. Nothing is blurred, and it hits me all at once. How do I escape this feeling? I don’t know. Driving away from this spot is just as good as the “it’ll get better” advice; it does absolute shit. I know most of you are thinking that I’m wallowing in my self pity, but this is a built-up of emotions and people actually relate to this. It makes me feel so good when people find comfort in my experiences: knowing that they’re not alone.
I don’t have to justify what I feel to anyone, but I feel as if I have to. I have a roof over my head, and people have lost their homes recently. I had pizza last night, and people are near death starving. I could go on; I live a very privileged life. But there’s days, like today, where I feel like a monster. How dare I feel this way when people have it so much worse? I still can’t answer that question.
When my anxiety was at its worst, I went to go see a psychiatrist. I sat there, and I cried. I cried about everything. I cried about my condition and what I had been going through at the time. And guess what? She didn’t really do much but sit there and listen LOL. I don’t know what I expected; I don’t know why I thought by some magical way I’d walk out of her office feeling cured. But in a weird way…I kind of did. Talking to someone who has no idea who I am, and has no inkling about the kind of person I am felt liberating. No judgment; no annoyed eye-rolls. Probably one of the best experiences, and I’m not ashamed to say that.
I’ve decided that I’m going to start going back. For a while, I hadn’t gone. I figured: “hey I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a while. I should be fine.” But no. Doesn’t matter if I’m feeling fine or not; it helps. Going even on my good days is what I want to start doing. Even on the day where I have a first kiss with my hypothetical Prince Charming and get an A on a test- I’m going.
So here I am openly telling you guys I am in a mentally damaging place at the moment and I could list every reason why. I could tell you all the hurt I’ve been through this year and how it being the holiday season again gives me anxiety. Last holiday season wasn’t the best for me. I didn’t have a Thanksgiving and I was crying on New Years Day. It being this time of the year brings back feelings I’ve been working on pushing back. But like I was saying, I could go into excruciating detail of why I feel so down lately. But, I won’t. That’s for me to figure out, and I don’t need to lay out my problems in such detail to the world. I just hope you guys all take something from this rambled blog post: everyone could use therapy, so don’t be ashamed.