I’m not good with my words. Ironic, right? There’s some things I feel that I can’t just put to words no matter how hard I try. Right now I’m in Starbucks. My leg keeps twitching and I have no clue why. I can’t decide if it’s the caffeine or the AC being blasted? Either way, as I try to concentrate on this post I can’t help but stay focused on my leg. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with it? I tend to have this same response when it comes to anything: One thing happens in my life and suddenly I allow it to consume and overpower my thoughts over anything else.
Right now my thoughts are consumed by you. Not my twitching leg, not the pimples on my chin, not the annoying customer that rolled her eyes at me. None of that. I always hesitate writing about things that are susceptible to change (isn’t that everything? lol). The thing is, reading back on things that are no longer happening in my life hurts. So today, right now, I’m sitting here drinking my basic caramel frap and today I’m saying fuck it. Writing helps me feel better and I want to write about this. I also want my leg to stop twitching but sigh…we can’t have it all.
The thing is when I met you, I didn’t expect this to happen. Elvis says only fools rush in, but how could I not rush in with the kind of person you are. Right now this is me pouring out my heart and feelings, but a few months from now this could be a cosmic joke- all which is still good because it gives my blog variety lmao. Anyway, this letter is for you.
The first night we met, we sat talking about everything from our most soul-crushing moment to what our favorite color was. You said your favorite color was red -or blue. You couldn’t decide. I also couldn’t decide if I wanted to let you in my life, because like many other girls, I’ve been hurt before. But then mid conversation you asked me if there was a park nearby. “I’m a kid by heart” you said. I rolled my eyes expecting you had planned to do “things” at a park all along, but boy was I wrong. We sat on some random play structure and talked, and talked and talked. Your company was the kind of company that made me forget what time it was.
We sat in your car that night and you asked me what it was about you that I liked the most. Me? Liking you? Conceited much?! You know what they say about assuming…you make an ass out of you and me. HA. But yea, you were right. Entirely. I knew the answer immediately though. You had strong qualities about yourself that I lacked in. I could tell you were fearless, selfless and positive. I needed that in my life and now I have it. I have you.
Little did I know that soon after I would have to practice the qualities that were so strong and present in you. In fact, I had to somehow master how to be fearless, selfless and positive all within hours just like you always were. You have to do things that are beyond what we have. You have to go do what you gotta do. It’s your duty above being a boyfriend to me. I can’t tell you how much I admire that though. I admire it so much that even if we end up just friends in the end, I’m glad I can at least say you’ve bettered me as a person more than people I have known for years. I want to take this time to publicly thank you for your service. I want to thank everyone who has served or is serving for our country.
I sit here confused and upset with myself because I’m upset that you have to go. I shouldn’t be upset; how selfish of me. I guess I still have a lot more to learn from you, so please come back home in one piece (I feel like that’s a bad choice of words, but you know what I mean hahah). I will be praying for your safety and return. Stay safe.
(or Jessica since you say I look more like a Jessica lmao).
P.S. To everyone else: excuse the cheesiness, but this is what I feel in the current moment. Let me be dramatic; I’m having very different, grown-up realizations, so this is what pours out in moments like these. Sorry lmao.