Heartbreak should honestly be an excuse to call in sick, not go to school, etc lmao. It’s honestly one of the most horrible feelings in the entire world. I recently saw a video on Twitter about some brother who recorded his sister bawling her eyes out about some guy so that he could show his future daughters. Just hearing the girl cry broke my heart. I don’t think people realize the severity of how heartbreak could change your life. You don’t have to experience heartbreak for you to be able to sympathize. It’s called being human; all you have to do is be empathetic.
I am not currently feeling heartbroken, but I have this year. Close friends around me have this year. People I didn’t even know very well that I used to go to school with have. That professor you had for Humanities got dumped by her boyfriend of eight months the day after her parents told her they’re getting divorced back when she was 17. Totally hypothetical of course, but I don’t know why people sort of stay quiet about their heartbroken feelings. Yeah, we tweet “where did things go wrong?” or “I thought we had something special,” but no one outwardly expresses “I stay up every night crying into my pillow because the last thing I expected was for this to happen and everything seems wrong and I feel legitimately sick to my stomach thinking about them being with another person and I feel like I’ve ranted so much to my friends that they’re annoyed and I just want this empty feeling to go away.” Instead we just say “I’m just not in the mood…” and we keep to ourselves. If you’re anything like me you feel as if telling someone your feelings (even if they want to listen) is equivalent to burdening them. It’s not fishing for attention hoping someone reaches out and asks us how we’re doing. We, as in me and whomever could agree with this, actually just would rather not talk about it. And I know why now.
We tend to overlook and downplay people’s emotions when it comes to heartbreak often and even I’m guilty of this. Something like “c’mon. She was with him for only three months and suddenly her life is over?! I was with that guy for two years and I never made people feel sorry for me.” But, everyone is different. Everyone experiences pain differently, everyone values different things, everyone has a different relationship and different ways they grieve.
So, if you’re feeling heartbroken, just know I understand. Someone knows the pain you feel and you’re not alone. You’re not dumb because you wake up thinking of someone who wants nothing to do with you. You’re not dumb because you still care about someone who hurt you. It’s all natural. It’s a process, and the best thing about processes is that the stage you are in now will not stay because the process doesn’t end in more sadness; it ends in acceptance and ultimately happiness. Remember the grief process in Health? (This excludes the kids on Twitter who didn’t have to take their Health final because they got 2,000 retweets…ya’ll wouldn’t know lmao). However, I never found comfort when I was heartbroken when people tried to tell me things will get better…I knew that. I knew my life wasn’t meant for eternal damnation, but damn it sure feels like that sometimes. I found comfort in hearing other people’s stories and how they managed to get out of their funks. I found comfort in listening to music, because as cliché as it sounds, it made me feel not alone. I’m now going to open up about every emotion I’ve felt and be as specific as I possibly can. I’ve always wanted this blog in general to seem like the people reading it are my friends (which is why I discuss many personal things like my anxiety and weight problems). I hope someone finds comfort in this, because this is going to be very weird for me to write lol.
January, just this year, I had a break-up that hit me pretty badly. It wasn’t because anyone cheated; it wasn’t because anyone did something dishonorable. It was almost worse. Because the way I see it is, if they did something as horrible as cheating on me, at least I could hate them. At least I could despise them and curse their name. It’d be easy to. It’s different when the person who has claimed to have loved you for not only months but YEARS, just suddenly loses interest. I couldn’t hate him for feeling differently; I couldn’t hate him because he was being honest. I just had thought love didn’t fade, and because it faded does that mean it never existed in the first place? So many of those questions alike flowed throughout my mind every waking and sleeping hour of the day. I couldn’t find peace for months. I had to though, and quickly.
My parents had planned for a family trip to Disneyland for New Years around the same time this was all happening. On top of all of that, I had my anxiety/weight/sadness problems that didn’t really help my case.
I. Was. A. Mess. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I’m not ashamed to have feelings.
I had to put on a smile, because I didn’t want to feel like I wanted to purposely ruin everyone’s time. I didn’t want to be a big feel sorry for myself mess. My parents obviously understood, but it makes sense why they felt annoyed at times. It must’ve been frustrating that they took me to one of the happiest places on earth, and I was still sad. It must’ve hurt them that I was sad in the first place and there was nothing they could do so they felt hopeless. Sometimes when people feel helpless, they become easily irriated with that person who makes them feel that way. However, there was nothing I could do that could cover what I felt. Nothing could mask the hurt that embodied me. I pushed through though…as best as I could.
When I got home I tried to find comfort in moving on to other boys. This obviously isn’t a healthy coping mechanism at all, but no one could convince me to do otherwise back then. Nothing anyone said could change what I already had my mind set on. I was a hard-headed, heartbroken girl who just wanted temporary happiness even if it was the wrong way. If you’re heartbroken right now, I’m not telling you to try to move on “using a rebound.” What I’m saying is that you’re ultimately going to do what you want to do; I’m just telling you its part in my experience. You’ll learn eventually the same way I had.
Fast forward to now, I am truly honestly happy. I can say that I at least found happiness in myself enough to the point where I don’t let past heartbreaks phase me. I know this is extremely personal and kind of awkward if you know who I’m talking about, but in no way is this meant to bash anyone. This is just about the feelings I felt that I’m sure most could find comfort in if they’re feeling the same way. If anything, I was beyond fine before, but writing about this made me feel even better. Life is good. If you’re not happy right now, it will be good for you too someday soon. It just takes time. *rolls eyes* lol jk, I hate that post-breakup advice too. Hang in there. 😊