This is something really hard and awkward for me to talk about. I don’t even know where to start. Well I guess a good place to start would be at the beginning, right? Also quick disclaimer: this blog post isn’t to make those who gain weight quickly feel bad (or to make anyone at all feel bad), this blog post is about my specific journey and dedicated to those who could relate.
I’ve always been a petite girl by genetics. That one girl you hate because she can eat anything loaded with carbs and not gain a pound? Lol, that’s me. However, it’s not necessarily always a good thing. I’m so confused as to what exactly society’s image is of women’s bodies nowadays. Victoria’s Secrets Angels or any high fashion models get praised for their thinness, but at the same time thick women get praised by guys constantly on Twitter.
Also let’s not forget Meghan Trainor’s infamous line :”I’m bringing booty back. Go ‘head and tell them skinny bitches that.”
What does society want?! The answer to that is fuck what society wants, and all that matters is if you’re at a relative healthy weight specific to your body type & height. The same weight looks different on soooo many body types. Why does one have to put down the opposing body image to make themselves feel better in their body? Why does there have to be a victor? I could go on and on about this, but I’m kind of going on a tangent now.
The end of my senior year, my anxiety started to get worse. My anxiety turned into depression, and soon I was in the therapist’s office with all sorts of labels. Ah labels – another thing I could go on and on about, but I’ll spare you the time. Anyway, I was tired of letting anxiety control my life, because I kid you not I couldn’t even go hang out with friends without being nervous about something. Just my luck, my nervousness would translate to me being sick to my stomach. I remember I was on Bart on the way to the city with my boyfriend at the time to celebrate our year and a half anniversary and I had an anxiety attack on. Bart. lol. 🙂 Full blown with the shakes, blurry vision, vomiting…*cringe.* I still don’t know why I had an anxiety attack; I had no reason to be scared. I had no reason to ruin our time, and I had no reason to consider myself a burden whenever this happened, but I did.
Anyway, long story short, I started an anti-depressant called Zoloft. Another long story short: I tell people that this medicine made me feel like I was dying and I am not kidding lol. Dramatic? Yes. How I felt at the time? Hell yes. I lost crazy amounts of weight on this medicine because the side effects were stronger than The Rock. I didn’t have Thanksgiving dinner because I couldn’t even keep it down. I ate nothing for a full week besides apple juice towards the end of my week-long episode.
That left me at a weight of about 90 lbs; At the end of my senior year I weighed 108 lbs which is a healthy weight for my body type and overall body stature. That means over the course of summer where my anxiety heightened and other things that happened in my life that contributed, I lost about 18 pounds. SCARY.
I would get dressed in clothes I once loved, and I would hate my body. Not that being skinny is bad, but I was an unhealthy skinny and that’s never okay. I became obsessed with checking my weight praying to every god that I gained something, but I never did. I tried tracking my calories, but I could never eat the amount that was required of me. My appetite was close to none, and it was starting to become a bigger problem.
I have a few pictures that I am going to share with you all, but keep in mind these before pictures are to not be considered “body goals” for anyone. Family and friends would notice my drastic weight loss, but I always reassured them that I was fine because quite honestly their genuine concerns came off as rude comments in my mind. I know now that they actually were just concerned about me, but at the time I felt like I was being verbally attacked. Comments like “you’re so skinny” or “you need to eat girl” hurt so deeply. Leggings that once cut off my body’s circulation (not really lol) were now barely being held up. I went to go get allergy tested about a month ago and this picture my mom took just shows how thin I was. I never have had a “big butt,” but I sure as hell wasn’t always that flat from behind either! Lol.
The whole point of this blog post is to show that I am recovering. I am getting healthier, and I am improving everyday. This vitamin supplement (Apetamin) that increases appetite has practically saved me. I’ve only been on it for a week and I’ve gained 8.5 pounds. That’s crazy!! I don’t even think I’ve gained that much weight in a year’s time (like I said, I have a crazy fast metabolism). So, here’s me in a bikini showing off my almost-healthy body. Yes, I can do this and, no, it doesn’t make me any less of a morally right person. ANYWAY lol, I’m still on my journey of gaining my weight back so I am not exactly there yet. But I am getting so close and that makes me so happy. I’ll be doing a more detailed video about what exactly this supplement is and such, but this was just my back story. I’m usually not one to show off my body I guess on social media, but I feel like this is appropriate? Idk, I feel weird. DON’T JUDGE ME AHH. By the way, my swim suit is from Target. Go buy your swim suits now for spring break; their new line is FREAKING ADORABLE. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive in this journey by the way. Happy Super Bowl Sunday to you all and yay for Lady Gaga!